Life is stressful. I'm trying to live my life, dignity in tact. Everyone is predicting motherhood in my future; I feel like I'm wasting time. I want to travel, to have a perfect kiss, to cook something that would make Anthony Bourdain salivate (preferably in or around my vicinity, that is a sexy beast.
I'm back on OkCupid, because truly I'll find love there. (Insert skeptical face.) I don't know what I'm looking for, honestly. When I listen to Drake, I feel as though I'm searching his music for some kind sign, a direction. What would I want in a man? What would I accept from a man? How do I know I even want a man? I know that I crave attention (the bare minimum) and affection (in excess, please) and understanding. I want trust and to feel comfortable, that things are absolute and open. Things are difficult and stressful for me right now, and I companionship is at the level of craving.
The problem is that I talk to these guys for a couple of days and things seem okay, then they want a picture (I've had so many accounts that I'm afraid to put my picture up again, I just want to see if someone will like me for me... Yeah right.) and once they see me they either get too weird or they stop talking to me. I don't know if I'm ugly or beautiful or intimidating or not their type or annoying... I don't know if I should blame any particular reason or maybe I'm just not what a Lafayette boy wants. I don't care anymore. I feel comfortable in my skin and it's a nice way to wade out the nondesirables anyway. I just want to meet someone that fulfills this picture I have in my head to some sort of degree.
People wonder why I live in my head, why I daydream. I have to find the happiness somewhere, and I always find some means to invent it. It's almost too perfect to pass up, the only problem is that it doesn't last nearly long enough to fill me.

I definitely am having a huge problem being home right now. I'm never satisfied right? Yeah I know. 
I feel like I'm getting slapped in the face with reality. My friends aren't really people that I should consider friends? What? Really? No way!? How does that happen? 
Yeah, whatever. Once I leave Nola, I'm going to leave these people behind. Completely. I'm far too done to exert more energy than this anymore.

I am still alive.

I haven't been on LJ in so long, I feel terrible about that. And obviously people aren't too happy with me, as I lost several allegedly "good" friends that "love" me so much... whatever, good riddance. Sorry my absence offended you so much.

Detailed post... eventually. No promises. Hope everyone is well, and I miss you guys.